Smiling once more, she attempts to step up. 100 of the best ever jokes and one-liners from the Edinburgh Fringe 50 of Tim Vine's most ingenious jokes and one-liners 50 of Frankie Boyle's funniest (and darkest) jokes 25 of Charlie . Now she says stick the whole hand in. Its shift work. Im reading a book about anti-gravity. Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders. No more Mr Rice Guy. Tim Vine, My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet, they gave him the cold shoulder. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. 45 of Ricky Gervais funniest jokes 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier 'Bing' Crosby (1902 - 1977) American singer & actor Being a gentleman, a man lets her onto the bus first. Sometimes you just want to make somebody laugh, but are pushed for time. You're not going to cut it off, are you?". 21. Smiling once more, she attempts to step up. Reload page for original sort order. The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. Doctor: "What's this?" 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes At the end they had a blast doing their job. When she first met him she didn't know how rich he was. Joke About Scotsmen And Their Animals 1. 5,000 Sidesplitting Jokes and One-Liners - Paperback By Tucker, Grant - GOOD. A penny. 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' Still the skirt was too tight. 37. 95. #1. He sits down; Then a Stork walks in, and sits next to him and a cat walks in and sits on the other side. I put my grandma on speed dial the other day. He's over the moon. Now you go and behave yourself.' But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! ~ Fran Lebowitz 41. Hover to zoom. Conjunctivitis.com thats a site for sore eyes. Tim Vine. Manage Settings I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. It was an udder failure. document.addEventListener( 'DOMContentLoaded', function() { I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 5. Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions. Just got fired from my job as a set designer. Why don't cows have any money? FANS have slammed Kylie Jenner for going overboard with her lip fillers in a nearly unrecognizable new TikTok video. The other one replies 'That's because you're standing on your left titty.'. 5. I ask her why she can buy stuff like that but i can't. 'I'll never tell.' Gets jalapeo business! I have been with a loose girl.' I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. Tom Ward. For All My People. This week's page of one liners takes the theme of shirt jokes. Or: So tight he can peel an orange in his pocket. "Get your hands off me! Two wifi engineers got married. Then it hit me. A gentleman approached her and said: Pardon me, madam. - Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. Its impossible to put down. 11: I run faster horny than you do scared. The visitor asks "What do you feed your chicken?". Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma? Theres no menuyou get what you deserve. Give them a straight jacket. 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes Tight Jokes One Liners. I dont suffer from insanityI enjoy every minute of it. * She nods and they begin to make love. 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' The first one says, Weeoouhh. The next whale says, Shut up, Steve. "Well, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. One-Liner Jokes 21. 'And who was the girl you were with?' So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. And she says proudly, "Tight, huh?". ", and its hard to breathe because your scout leaders hand is covering your mouth. First woman: My son visited me for summer vacation. Just burned 2,000 calories. Tight Skirt A woman tried to board a bus but her skirt was so tight that she couldn't make the step up. Best One Liners. "It's okay," he replies, "but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall." "Never you mind," says his mother, "don't you let them get to you, just ignore them." "Aye, that I do," he says, "I just keep playing my bagpipes." 4. Camilla, the duchess of cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' It was just my way of saying spanks for the mammaries. Whether it's part of his banter with Dwight or one of his unique observations of the world, here are 15 of Michael Scott's best one-liners. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian. * Amazed she asks him how he did it, "Easy" he says, LMAYO. Theyll never expect it back. The first caterpillar scoffs. 77. The plot thickens. She undresses and shows him. Prostitute: "Why'd you say it 3 times?" Nothing gets a good laugh better than a well-placed one-linerand we could all use a little laughter during trying times. Get the quarterback!' He needed a little space. Need a few fresh jokes to spice things up with your bestieor someone you want to be your bestie? It was addressed, 'Dad'. A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler. Six was alone again. Im addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want. The other is getting oral sex from an 90-year-old toothless woman. He and she leave house, I follow. But all mine ever says is goodbye.. I said 40. 19. 40 of the funniest jokes about Brexit - H.L. She asks, "What's going on?" Why cant you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. You're gonna wanna deep condition after that hair burn, yeouch "My girlfriend has started calling my hair 'the economy'. As the famed conductor and pianist Victor Borge once said, "Laughter is the closest distance between two people." Not enough sense to come in out of the rain. 83. He worked out a bunch, tanned in advance, and bought a tiny banana hammock bathing suit for himself. Whats the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing. Things got a little tense. He goes under cover. Let's get together and make some cents. To get to the other side. 12. Whats a frogs favorite type of shoes? George Burns (1896 - 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer Frugal Money Jack Benny When it comes to paying, he's the first to put his hand in his pocket and leave it there. 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults If you've ever shared a joke with a close friend, you know that's true. The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing someone's cast. The lights were dimmed and music from the youth of the residents began playing. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. It takes screen shots. 36. I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society. So whether you enjoy texting funny one-liners to your best friend or can't wait to test these out in public, here are the 101 best one-liners. His pals looked at each other, knowing that Seamus was very tight with his wallet. Oh, the rhyme was all right, With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. ;). 81. 46. I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. "That's so clever!" One says, How do you drive this thing?. I call it insta-gram. Focus on this awesome collection of funny one liners and pick out a few to rattle them off at the next friend get-together. 80. Tried to break the ice at a party the other night with a pancake joke, but it fell flat. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb. The man says, "its not for my legs". 100. This site uses cookies to personalize ads and to analyse web traffic, for more info please review our Privacy Policy. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldnt find any. Tommy Cooper. Or: Wouldn't give you the drippings from his nose. I'm like, hello? They are both thinking the exact same thing What are they both thinking? "You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.". Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills . A brunette, a redhead and a blonde. What they lack in size, they make up for in charm. I told the Inland Revenue I dont owe them a penny. Then she says, "put your hand in." It was written by Henny Youngman who, in the '30s was considered the King of the One-Liners. 10: You grow on people.so does cancer. Item model number : WF54684. Toughest job I ever had? Too much sax and violins. I choose round. Sarah Millican, My wife its difficult to say what she does. 93. Then six came in with his +1. Where does Dracula keep his money? Was it Tina Minetti? Two whales walk into a bar. 35. He says "Excuse me - I have a magic watch and right now it's telling me you aren't wearing any underwear". He kept insisting we "be positive," but it's just so hard without him. ' Tim Vine, This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. We take a closer look at some of the funniest one-liner jokes of all time below. I read the rules carefully, and it turns out that there was no limit on the amount of times you could enter, so I submitted ten separate entries. Fo drizzle! Russian dolls are so full of themselves. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. What do you call a funny jar of mayonnaise? Racist Asian jokes and one-liners. You look for fresh prints. "I'm not very good at pressing my shirts", I said with no sense of irony. You gotta keep a tight budget when you have 14 kids. Build a man a fire and hell be warm for a day. Finally she said "now clap your hands" I said "I can't" to which she replied "Pretty tight huh?". Seeks young attractive woman for a fling, She walks into her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off. A small crowd gathers at a bus stop. } The miniskirt was far too tight. 54. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? So we stopped playing chess. Matt Kirshen. 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners Tell these tight money jokes to a Dad and he'll take notes for future reference! I met George R.R. Whenever he throws a punch, it Neverlands. 3. It was an emotional wedding. Did he get anything? He was just going through a stage. Then don't ride your bike for a few days. I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me. Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. The hole is tighter, and the smell is better. 67. But since going to prison he's become a wide receiver. she tells her lover. She always wrote one line too many! Cow Puns What's the best way to make a bull sweat? Turns out, good players are hard to find. Never trust atoms; they make up everything. The Paul Bunyan Playhouse opens at 8 p.m. tonight with another of Neil Simon's adult comedies. 25. Diddly-squats. There are also tighter puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh. 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes 20. 2. .I'm not sure why. "These are my khakis.". 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. Money Jokes 1. 3. My girlfriend says if we don't get married soon, she's gonna kill me. They used to sing together, dance together, laugh together. Then check these out. He replies, "I'm having a heart attack. The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' What does a nosy pepper do? (Like a 60's flower child.) The man who invented Velcro has died. Dry humour jokes and one-liners. Pilgrims. The bartender gives him his beer and says: 'Here you go sir, but I do want to warn you that the black knight is coming soon, so it's best to be gone by then' The man shrugs it off, 'yeah yeah I just . 1. Have you tried it? Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' 40 One-Liner Jokes That'll Crack Up Your Friends, For more up-to-date information, sign up for our and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray. xhr.setRequestHeader('Content-Type', 'text/plain;charset=UTF-8'); Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING. The creative prowess of a writer, or a jokester, in this case, shines through the most when concentrated in the least possible words. I live by the seaside. Ken Dodd. Hes only got little legs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?". A nervous wreck. About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Theyre making headlines. Crime in multi-storey car parks. The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. Grandma jokes one-liners. Even the bank says my balance is outstanding! 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners Search in the largest collection of one liners and puns. Set a man on fire and hell be warm for the rest of his life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh. Its from Uncle Ben. Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head. I asked him, Whats the word on the street?. Only network engineers are allowed to enter. The second friend asks, One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said I know we havent been introduced but if you dont mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.. True brethren. The Plot: Arnold Schwarzenegger, the undisputed king of corny action movie one-liners, plays Dutch, the leader of a team of military muscle-heads that embarks on a mission to rescue a US official being held hostage by soldiers in a Central American jungle. tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't Those of you who have teens can tell them clean tighter skinny dad jokes. * What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly? "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the The redhead says, "I'm so tight, *my* husband can only fit 1 finger in me!" Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't! I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue? I said No, just a watch. 101. 57. Only four words, but one of the most famous jokes in American comedy. Never trust atoms. When we got down to business she said "want to see something impressive?" Then she did. Two large hands grab her by the waist, lifting her up and placing her at the top of the steps. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. But you've sinned and have to atone. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' Whether its the swift one-liners of Tim Vine or Milton Jones, or a more traditionally structured joke, these quick-fire quips will have your friends rolling around on the floor. The bartender said, Sorry, we dont serve spirits here.. But, if such a sad instance occurs and you couldn't find your favorite one-liner included in our list, add it in the comments section. 35 minutes ago. "You'll just have to learn to be a little patient." If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? Then she says, "Now clap." All Rights Reserved. "Deeper deeper" she moaned. A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of vodka. And a slice of lemon. Re: joke request - tight arsed people. He went in as a tight end, but left a wide receiver. Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast. 72. No pun in 10 did. The first one is on the house. Tim Vine. ", The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. The pharmacist then asks, "what is it for then?" You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. A termite walks into the bar and asks, Is the bar tender here?. Utinsel. RELATED: She couldnt control her pupils. The blonde, meanwhile, slides down her stool. But as the soldiers passed through the market square, they heard a voice calling "wool for cheap, wool for cheap". This is my step ladder. 68. stop squeezing so tight. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and rice krispies, but before you know it, youre adding raisins and marshmallows. Continue with Recommended Cookies. Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not Milton Jones, What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? Geology rocks, but geographys where its at. When does it rain money? Doctor: "no problem, but I have to see it first" On eBay; "For sale, Incredible Hulk t-shirt. Never again. She hit the ceiling! The decision was a piece of cake. You can explore tight form-fitting reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Date First Available : February 5, 2016. Many of the tight money tight puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. So, it is no surprise that there are so many chicken jokes to share with kids and adults. . How about I coo in your ear tighter, tighter! 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down. From clever one-liners to hilarious short stories, we've got you covered. Well, to be Frank with you, Id have to change my name. He thought to himself that this could be an opportunity to sample some of the local ale, so he parked and headed inside. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. "Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis. In a blood bank. The reception was fantastic. These clever jokes will lift your spirits, brighten your mood and get you giggling in no time. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. If prisoners could take their own mugshots they'd be called cellfies. 16. Whose limericks were not worth a penny. ' Tim Vine. One makes acorns, the other makes corns ache. Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. Asians Jokes Black Jokes Hispanic Jokes. Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' I didnt know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. How far do you think I can kick this bucket. I know something is wrong but I just cant put my finger in it. if april showers bring may flowers, what do may flowers bring? And, after you find the one that has cracked you up, be sure to vote for it! If you hear your priest swear Because they only have one tale. 80+ best chicken jokes, puns and one-liners for kids and adults Wednesday, June 15, 2022 at 11:39 AM by Mercy Mbuthia Chickens are amusing! Remains to be seen. Funniest Jokes And One-Liners "My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles." - Les Dawson "I was in my car driving back from work. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation.". Sometimes, they want to go for a long ride just to calm their minds from stress or for whatever reasons. One Liners and Short Jokes What is red, white, and blue? So I stopped to help him, his lug nuts were on super tight, so we both pushed on the tire iron with our full weight, which was a mistake, you see, because i lost my balance, and fell hard, with an audible snap! My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He kiss she, she kiss he. 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley What do you call a noodle that doesn't drink?